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Talking Turkey
Ideas *Everyone goes on a group cell-phone call and decides to make this a race. Iroh realizes that his team is in last. "Don't drop the soap." Everyone gets quiet. "Cuz we're coming from behind." *Iroh reaches Ba Sing Se. Inside, he gets pulled over again. "What? What did I do?" "You blinked at a stop sign." "What? That's no crime." "Is now. City law. We have cameras for that now. I'm gonna ask you to step out of your vehicle." "This isn't America anymore!" "What's America?" "Oh, right." *Zuko and co. are on bus. Suddenly, a woman stands up and starts singing opera. "I'm in debt to Butakha and I need cash now." followed by "Call J.G. Wentworth! 877 Yuans Nowwww!" The kids want to kill themselves but Ozai joins choir. Mai: "I didn't think this happened in real life…" *Joo Dee walks in with ridiculous braided hair and flashy beads and jewelry. "Giuchie, Giuchie, ya ya dada." Sokka turns to Katara and whispers. "Told you she was a prostitute." *Everyone says what they're thankful for at the end. "The Dai Li!" "Nobody invited you here, Minnichi." *Ozai is loud and obnoxious the whole dinner. *Piandao tries to help clean up afterwards. Iroh: "What, did you forget your apron, Mary Poppins?!" Writing "Hey guys, listen to this!" An excited Katara had danced into the kitchen to see Aang, Sokka, Toph, and Suki eating breakfast. "I just got a letter from Earth King Kuei." Sokka shook his head. "How do we even know that his name is Kuei." Ignoring her brother's interruption, Katara continued. "Apparently we've all been invited to Ba Sing Se to celebrate his Thanksgiving in his palace! Our friends in the Fire Nation and the White Lotus members have been invited too." "Wait what's going on?" asked Aang. "I wasn't paying attention. I was too busy solving the puzzle on the back of my Honey Nut Cheerios box." "We're going to Ba Sing Se!" announced Katara a second time. "We should start packing now since we have to get there all the way from Omashu." "Packing won't take long," chuckled Sokka. "All Aang has to pack is fudge." "What's that supposed to mean?" inquired the Avatar. "Ask Elton John." "Ew!" spat Suki. "Sokka you're gross." The entire room laughed before Sokka replied. "Really? You are calling me gross? That's funny. Have you looked in a mirror lately?" The Kyoshi Warrior's face turned red. "No! We are not doing this for the whole trip!" "SHUT UP, Suki!" screamed the others in unison. ---- "It was really nice of Kuei to invite us." Mai was putting the last of her bags in the back of Zuko's car. The couple and Ty Lee were ready to take off for the Earth Kingdom. "Actually, before we go…" started Zuko. "Someone else is coming…" "What?" gasped Mai. "Who?" As if to answer her question, the former Fire Lord, Ozai walked up to the group wearing a straw hat and a Hawaiian floral shirt. There was a sock hanging out of his suitcase. "Hey-hey pals! Are you ready for Thanksgiving road trip 2012! We're gonna have so much fun together!" Mai turned to her boyfriend. "No. You're kidding me." "Okay, he called and asked what we were doing for the holiday, and I couldn't tell him we weren't going anywhere cuz he'd see the palace lights off and-" "Ugh, he better be quiet the whole ride." ---- Team Avatar was finally read to depart. Sokka was in the driver's seat with Toph next to him. The other three were in the back. "Careful Suki," said Aang. "I'm not sure you can the seat belt around your whole waist." The car pulled out of the driveway, Sokka apparently not hearing an old lady shout "You're about to hit my kitten!" Once down the block, he decided to give his car's built-in GPS a try. He hit the "on" button, but was surprised to hear an annoying jingle start playing. "Dear Lord," he muttered just as an irritating voice began to sing. "If there's a place you gotta get, I can get you there I bet, I'm the map! I'm the map! I'm the map! I'm the map! I'm the map! I'm the map!" Sokka sunk lower in his chair as chant went on. "Sokka needs to get to the palace! Well I know how to get to the palace!" "Shut the f*ck up and give me directions!" ---- Zuko had just entered the freeway when Christmas music started playing on the radio. "Ugh." He reached to change the dial, but Ozai swatted his hand away "Keep it on, it's a classic!" The former Fire Lord sat contently until vocals came on. "Wait… what the Hell is this? This is nothing like what I remember!" Mai rolled her eyes. "It's a cover by Clay Aiken." For a moment, Ozai was frozen. His mouth hung open as his left eye twitched. Suddenly, a booming roar burst from his mouth and lightning shot out of the car's sunroof. "This is absurd! What's with these Liberal California Tree-Huggers trying to destroy our society with fairy songs like this?! This is the kinda crap your mom listened to! That's the reason we got divorced!" "Azula said you got divorced because of Zuko," Ty Lee cut in. Zuko was shocked. "What?!" ---- As Iroh's car, accompanied by Bumi, Pakku, and Piandao, he had his own set of radio problems. He turned the dial to once again find a new channel. (Static) The sound of cameras flashing was joined by journalists scribbling on notebooks. Someone appeared to take a microphone. "As Councilman, am sorry to all my constituents that my poor choice of words allowed you to understand what I truly believe." (Static) "We now return to a special author's reading of Fifty Shades of Gray." Suddenly, the car became dead silent. As Iroh listened intently, he swerved from lane to lane, at first not noticing the lights of a police car flashing behind him. Reluctantly, he pulled over, his eyes red and a beer stain on his wife-beater. "Sir, have you been drinking?" asked the cop. As a response, Iroh simply burped in the man's face. "What's it to you, OFF-ISS-ER?! Don't pretend you're Mr. Innocent, buddy! I know where you were last night. I know what you were doing!" Iroh's friends sat quietly, interested in seeing how the Grandmaster Lotus's plan would play out. All of a sudden, the officer began to sweat bullets. "Just- just don't tell my wife, okay?" "Who knows? I just might," threatened the tea enthusiast. "Have a nice day, gentlemen." With that, the cop returned to his own car and drove away. ---- Sokka wanted to kill himself given the situation he was in. All he was trying to do was focus on the road, but the infuriating sing-a-long in his car made that rather difficult. "WE! Are never ever ever... getting back together! WE-EE! Are never ever ever getting back together!" It was especially pathetic that Aang was partaking in this, but apparently he's a self-proclaimed Taylor junkie. Everyone rolled their eyes and pointed at someone else to add "like… ever" in a particularly childish voice. "God," muttered Sokka. "She makes herself sound like such a bitch in this song…" Toph took a look out her window to see that they were passing a cow ranch. "Hey guys, we could just drop Suki off here!" Everyone burst out laughing, except for the girl in question, who started to cry. ---- Zuko and Mai couldn't believe their eyes, but they had finally arrived at the city of Ba Sing Se. Their car inched forward in traffic, but was suddenly surrounded by a camera crew of some sort. A woman with a clipboard came to the vehicle and gestured for everyone to get out. They were guided to a sidewalk, where a man with tight jeans and jacket approached them. "Phil Keoghan?" asked everyone in shock. "Congratulations on making it to the last leg of the Amazing Race," said the man in a New Zealand accent. "Take this card and read it for a clue about where to go next." "But I already-" Zuko gave up and reluctantly took the card. "Your life is a royal screw up," he read aloud. "Thanks, douchebag." "Well you know where you're going now, right?" "Yes…"